Last week, inspired by a post from Jess Constable of Makeunder My Life, Ez of Creature Comforts put out an invitation on Twitter. She was seeking bloggers willing to write a post called Things I’m Afraid to Tell You to share things we often want to talk about online but don’t – you know, insecurities, fears and such.
I accepted. Here’s mine.
I’ve had a screwed up body image ever since my teens. It eventually developed into an eating disorder in my mid-to-late 20s (although I recall starving myself as a teen for days on end). I’m mostly over it now but some days “Ed” (my nickname for this disease) takes a grip and I don’t want to leave the house and have to look the other way if I pass a mirror. Thankfully as I get older and become more aware of myself, I know when the disease is playing mind games and do my best to nip it in the bud fast. Some days it’s instant, some days it’s not. In the past few years, I’ve begun to use it as a coping mechanism. When my life feels out of control, I naturally lose my appetite which leads to weight loss and this then goes on to trigger Ed. It can take me a few days to regain my healthy eating habits. That said, I feel in a really good place about it today and have for a while. I hope it lasts.
I’m often afraid to take my online friendships offline and meet in person. I worry if I’ll be judged because of how I look. I worry I won’t be stylish enough. I worry I won’t be cool enough. I worry their perception of me will change (for the worse) if we meet in person. I worry I won’t be able to carry a conversation and bore them to death. Insecure much? In fact, I worry this post will make you believe I’m this insecure person 24/7. I’m not. I hope.
I have a habit of quitting things. Initially I’m all motivated and then boom, it’s gone. I think it’s because I’m a perfectionist and I’m sure it’s a smidgen of self-doubt too. I have a whole list of things I’ve quit. One of them is that I didn’t finish high school. Therefore I have NO education on paper but I don’t necessarily regret this decision. I eventually started going to U of T here in Toronto and was getting straight A’s but quit that too. Perhaps I’m afraid of success. Who knows. Regardless, I’m working on it.
I’m 34 and I only just feel as though I’m getting my shit together and figuring out who I am. Sometimes this makes me sad for the years I feel I’ve lost. When I see young and successful entrepreneurs in their 20s, I’m jealous that I didn’t have their drive at that age. If often makes me feel unsuccessful too if I’m honest.
I’m scared I won’t ever get dellie off the ground. I’m scared it will fail. I’m scared it won’t live up to peoples expectations. I’m scared that I’ve no clue what I’m doing. I’m scared I’ll let myself down. I’m scared it won’t be all I want it to be. I’m scared I won’t believe in myself.
That is all.
I feel the same exact way. I too lose my appetite when life feels out of control, and I try to control my eating to make me feel like I am on top of things. I always end being thinner than I want to be. I have never thought that I had an eating disorder but maybe I do. Like you, I never graduated high school. I was on drugs, like really on drugs– it consumed my life everyday for six years, since age 16. I finally was rescued by Love at age 22. I still struggle with my addictions here and there but I am no longer enslaved, and for that I am thankful. But it is a daily battle. I too grieve the wasted years of my young adolescence. But I think all these things have made me who I am, and I am thankful for being broken. I am learning to embrace my handicaps and my story. Thanks so much for sharing.
Just wanted to say that I read this and I hear you. Thank you for your courageous honesty.
Ronnie xo
p.s. Thanks for the follow on Twitter.
p.p.s. Your photography is utterly stunning.
I just discovered your blog via pinterest (your painted terracotta pots, to be exact) and I have to say, I think we have a lot in common! Especially the worrying. I can be a complete worrywart if I let my mind wander. Anyway, I’m excited to find another blog to read and I’m excited to learn more about you! Although, I’m a little jealous of your blog design and your mad photography skills. Everything is so pretty!
Oh my gosh, I am the EXACT same way about meeting online friends in real life. I’m scared to death that I won’t look cute enough or stylish enough or won’t be friendly enough. I thought I was the only one like that, it’s refreshing to hear I’m not.
I really love your blog layout by the way. Random I know but I thought I’d tell you that.
Oh Adele! Bravo to you for being so brave as to write this post! I can relate to so much of what you have written, different circumstances, but very similar emotions and feelings. I have been so inspired and have even more respect for you now than I already did before reading this. You’re a beautiful woman, inside and out and you have a heart that melts mine. I wish you the very best in your journey and look forward to sharing whatever part you open up for us to walk with you.
I wrote my own response to theses posts. You can read it here if you like: http://www.amandafullerblog.com/2012/05/things-im-afraid-to-tell-you.html
I’m glad you’ve shared this, it is a big thing to share this kind of thing to the world! I have followed your work for a while and your blog, and I see you as an inspiration! I love what you have done with the site and I’m very much looking forward to what Dellie has to offer. As artists I think we’re all a little bit perfectionist and a little bit scared of failure, I’m not sure whether it’s just our nature. I can relate to some of the insecurities that you’ve mentioned too and I’m so glad that you seem to be beating ‘ed’! Take care and best of luck with Dellie, it seems that many of us are behind you cheering you on! Xxxx
proud of you adele! i can definitely relate and only love to you :)
AMAZING. Well done!
Thanks for posting this. I’m 32 myself and often look at all these 20 somethings and their startups and feel like such a loser. Thankfully, I’ve finally figured some things out but being around all the twenty somethings can be awkward at times. Esp. because they seem to think 30 is so old when it really isn’t.
I know this might sound redundant, but to share your tiny fractures online like this – to write them at all, to admit them – says incredible amounts about your character. But I think that’s something only time can bring. I’m 31 and only feel NOW like things are starting to move in a direction that I can understand and embrace. My ‘flaws’ are becoming my strengths and some days, like you, I have to work extra hard to accept those flaws, but even that is building me up.
Thanks for posting this, Adele.
-sandy.
adele. you are always such a bright, true light. you’re one of the first artists and people i “met,” and i’m happy for that! I really appreciate you sharing your story….sometimes i think it’s easy to feel like everyone else in twitterverse/blogland/internets has it all figured out, it’s refreshing to hear that others struggle and battle and fight to make it happen. Thank you for sharing it all, you’re an inspiration to many,
xoxo,
allisa
I relate to so much of this, especially the body image issues, insecurity, and quitting. I TOO do not have a formal education on paper Adele!! Just realizing I forgot to include that one…we will have to do this again, I find it very therapeutic. Thank you so much for your bravery and transparency!
I can definitely relate to some of the insecurities you mentioned – especially with facing judgement or failing at artistic endeavors & ambitions. Thanks for being brave enough to share. PS. Your work rocks : )
proud of you for sharing today. so glad you did. i never finished high school either, and sometimes i really feel less than because of it. i’ve met a few online friends in real life. i battled that fear of judgment, but it was OK!
i love your blog, and your courage. press on!
I found your blog just now…via pinterest! Gorgeous – never, never be scared that you will fail. Your work and eye is incredible. And 34…well you wouldn’t be able to have the depth of experience that you have to bring and share, it’s a positive.
This is such a treat to read! Though I’m just discovering your site today, I am so thankful that I’m finding this wonderful side of you. Though there are thoughts that seem “scary” to share, I only like you more because of them!
And from your site’s beautiful layout, I can only say that I think you are extremely talented and will do great things with your business.
Heck, no one knows what they are doing with business. And “failing” at business is only the decision to quit without the intention to quit on purpose. : )
adele. you are a wonderful person. you are also the first person i “met” and became friends with on twitter. you reached out to me when i opened my little shop, you featured me on your blog, and you cheered me on from across the country. can you believe that was three years ago?? I can say, without a doubt, we would find lots to talk about if we were ever to meet in real life. i have that very same fear, “what if i have nothing to say, or they find me boring?” well my dear, i don’t think we’d have that problem :)
thank you for sharing it all. you are an inspiration. trust yourself, you’re a pretty smart cookie in there. you will do just fine, just let yourself go with it.
xo
I have many of the same worries and fears. Failure and abandonment are big ones for me. I’m scared to death of being alone (in the bigger sense). I think we all have insecurities that we do our best to hide from the world. I don’t think any less of you for yours. You’re really brave to admit them. I turned 30 this year and have been going through a major life re-examination and so far, I’ve been pretty disappointed. This year has been about trying to fix some of the parts that have been broken and getting back on the right track, and every minute has been scary and painful. You’ll never get over being scared if you don’t push through it though, which is what I feel has held me back for so long.
I identify with you in so many ways- and you are so so SO brave for saying these things in a very public place.!
I don’t know what to say to all this .. I’m sitting in front of my desk, confounding but what I’m reading and so honoured that we all choice with good intentions to be a part of this.
You are so strong Adele. You have such a great spirit within you and I hope that you despite all your insecurities will never forget it. You are someone I met through Twitter and when you first followed me and tweeted back, I was so awestruck that someone of such “awesomeness” (yes I just called it that) would notice little ol’ me. I would gladly meet you in person and we can sit and sip tea together wondering what to say and worry if we have spinach between our teeth and what to say.
:)