Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

Last week, inspired by a post from Jess Constable of Makeunder My Life, Ez of Creature Comforts put out an invitation on Twitter. She was seeking bloggers willing to write a post called Things I’m Afraid to Tell You to share things we often want to talk about online but don’t  – you know, insecurities, fears and such.

I accepted. Here’s mine.

I’ve had a screwed up body image ever since my teens. It eventually developed into an eating disorder in my mid-to-late 20s (although I recall starving myself as a teen for days on end). I’m mostly over it now but some days “Ed” (my nickname for this disease) takes a grip and I don’t want to leave the house and have to look the other way if I pass a mirror. Thankfully as I get older and become more aware of myself, I know when the disease is playing mind games and do my best to nip it in the bud fast. Some days it’s instant, some days it’s not. In the past few years, I’ve begun to use it as a coping mechanism. When my life feels out of control, I naturally lose my appetite which leads to weight loss and this then goes on to trigger Ed. It can take me a few days to regain my healthy eating habits. That said, I feel in a really good place about it today and have for a while. I hope it lasts.

I’m often afraid to take my online friendships offline and meet in person. I worry if I’ll be judged because of how I look. I worry I won’t be stylish enough. I worry I won’t be cool enough. I worry their perception of me will change (for the worse) if we meet in person. I worry I won’t be able to carry a conversation and bore them to death. Insecure much? In fact, I worry this post will make you believe I’m this insecure person 24/7. I’m not. I hope.

I have a habit of quitting things. Initially I’m all motivated and then boom, it’s gone. I think it’s because I’m a perfectionist and I’m sure it’s a smidgen of self-doubt too. I have a whole list of things I’ve quit. One of them is that I didn’t finish high school. Therefore I have NO education on paper but I don’t necessarily regret this decision. I eventually started going to U of T here in Toronto and was getting straight A’s but quit that too. Perhaps I’m afraid of success. Who knows. Regardless, I’m working on it.

I’m 34 and I only just feel as though I’m getting my shit together and figuring out who I am. Sometimes this makes me sad for the years I feel I’ve lost. When I see young and successful entrepreneurs in their 20s, I’m jealous that I didn’t have their drive at that age. If often makes me feel unsuccessful too if I’m honest.

I’m scared I won’t ever get dellie off the ground. I’m scared it will fail. I’m scared it won’t live up to peoples expectations. I’m scared that I’ve no clue what I’m doing. I’m scared I’ll let myself down. I’m scared it won’t be all I want it to be. I’m scared I won’t believe in myself.

That is all.